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December 01, 2008
Lame letter to my bad sports team
Dear 2008 Buffalo Bills,
Dudes, fuck you, man.
I've been putting up with this heartbreak for the last 20 years - I'm 27 now, and I started seriously paying attention at age 7 - and I've been through a lot of seriously awful times. But this last decade has been particularly execrable. You haven't been to the playoffs since 1999 - and after yesterday's pathetic showing against the hapless 49ers, you won't be going this year, either. That means you managed to stumble right through the eight long years of the Bush Administration without giving any of your beleaguered fans any hope whatsoever. It woulda been nice, but no. Hell no.
And I thought maybe this was the year everything came true. Ha. I got played.
The season started out so well - you were 5-1 and we were all really excited. National TV was paying attention to you, and all the pundits said you were a lock to win the division. So - of course - what'd you do? You went and collapsed as ingloriously as possible, as quickly as possible. You lost 4 straight games, shanked a potential game-winner wide right on national television (shudder), and looked fucking horrible. Now you're stuck in last place again, just in time for winter to kick in and leave all of us cold and sad and cursed.
Way to go. This sucks.
Longtime readers here at el stence know that I usually put up some kind of audio-visual tribute to the Bills and/or Sabres if when their season inevitably ends with a heartbreaking loss and they're officially out of the running for my poor city's first-ever national championship. Usually, I post up "Can You Take Me High Enough" by the Damn Yankees, as there's something about that dumb song's bittersweet-but-doomed yearning that works well in the context of having my town's sports hopes dashed yet again.
This year, though, I can't do it. This year, I'm just mad. It's December first and I already know my team is toast. That means 10 (TEN) long months of waiting for September's fresh slate and the 0-0 record that comes with Opening Day 2009. That's a long goddamned time - indeed, long enough for something to go wrong and the Bills to move to Toronto or somewhere else with more corporate cash and less evil curse.
So in the meantime, I've gone ahead and hidden all my Bills gear - all of it. Those buffalos won't haunt/taunt me around the apartment. No need for my mini-talking football to chirp "Touchdowwwwwwn, Bills!!!!!!!!" in my living room, since Buffalo touchdowns are not only hard to come by, they are now effectively meaningless. No need to wear the Bills ski-mask - I'm sure I can find other, more subtle ways to communicate my tragically thorough commitment to an incompetent professional sports team determined to break my heart in as many ways as possible.
Since I'm by now very used to this kind of December disappointment - after all, this is nine straight years now - I know that this is not a permanent "unsubscribe." Sadly, I bet that come mid-April and the NFL Draft, I'll be brimming with a bizarre-yet-precise working knowledge of the merits of various college football players, and by the time mid-August hits, I'll have convinced myself once again that this is the year everything changes. But for now, my love for the Bills is in hibernation, shoved like the skimask and the flag and the shirts and the jerseys and the gloves and the hats and the mini talking football into my bottom dresser drawer. For now, I have my Sunday afternoons back, although I kinda don't want them.
Anyways, what a sad little season. Enough talk. See you next year.
Posted by caps at December 1, 2008 03:09 PM